Bury Me Naked in a Vat of CiCi’s Cheese Pizza

Adventures in Teaching:
Kids Are Really Weird, and I LOVE IT!

truth

“Children see magic because they look for it.”
– Christopher Moore


chuck
Dramatic Reenactment of a Day in My Classroom
Over the years, I’ve worked with a TON of children.  I’ve been a nanny and a babysitter.  I’ve been both a private and volunteer tutor.  I’ve worked at three daycare centers.  I completed student teaching clinicals and rotations in college.  I’ve been a Girl Scout Troop leader and co-leader, helped run a kids’ book club, and taught Sunday school.  Last but not least, I’m getting ready to finish my tenth year of teaching.  TEN YEARS.  WHAT.

nooo

Anyway, one time I actually whipped out my calculator (um, my calculator app) and did the math.  I figured out that I’ve worked with about 662 kids in the past fifteen years.  Some of those kids are GROWN ADULTS now.

whut

My first ever elementary school class is now finishing up their freshman year of college.  This absolutely blows my mind.  BUT those aren’t even the kids that make me feel the oldest… When I was 19, I was in charge of a summer elementary school room at a daycare.  A thirteen year old was in that group.  That means HE’S NOW 26 OR 27.  Where in the world has all the time gone?

Colbert

If all this time around children has taught me anything, it’s this: KIDS ARE HILARIOUS.  I’ve seen a lot of shenanigans, hijinks, and buffoonery in my day.  I finally began recording some of the crazy things that my kids said when I broke down and got a Facebook page in 2009.  Just for you, Dear Reader, I have scoured my timeline and my journals to share with you the best of the best.  These are all 100% real –and some just happened last week.

ryan
1 2 3, Eyes on Me, Babe.

What Kids Think About “Miss Whitlock”

diva
The sass is strong in this one.

Kid:  What’s wrong with your face?
Me: I didn’t feel like wearing any makeup today.
Kid:  It’s freaking me out! You look like an alien from men in black!

alien
Guys dig the natural look, right?

addiction
Give me COFFEE, or GIVE ME DEATH.

(to his mother, who then relayed the message)
She acts all nice and normal here at school, but I bet she’s a real freak in her private life.
oh neil.


domino
Awwww!

Your hair is like a sponge, but more beautifuler.


hot
From that one time I taught David Lee Roth, Jr….

Your hair is like a poodle’s ear, and I just want to pet you.

it
“That’s why my hair is so big.  It’s full of secrets.”

I’m going to steal a lock of your hair.  SNIP!  SNIP!  When you least expect it!


perks
This surprise made my whole day!

Kid:  *hugs me and buries his face in my cleavage*
Me:  That’s not how we hug!
Kid:  But you’re so soft and warm!  And you smell so good!  I could stay here all day!
Me:  THAT’S NOT HOW WE HUG!

ugh


Kid:  The smell of Miss Whitlock is good, but not as good as the act of Miss Whitlock.
Me:  Huh?
Kid:  That means you smell good, but even more than that you’re fun and awesome.
Me:  Ummm… Thanks!

Viva La Juicy = Heaven in a Bottle
Viva La Juicy = Heaven in a Bottle

moi
When Miss Whitlock is happy…

stop
And when Miss Whitlock is NOT happy.


Medical Mishaps:

jiz
For some reason, I decided not to use this flashcard for nonsense word fluency practice…

Me:  It’s important to make personal connections to the stories we read.  Did this one remind you of anything that’s happened in your life?
Kid:  It reminds me of the time I was playing soccer and got hit in the nuts.
well.


king
From that one time I taught Stephen King, Jr….

The sun is shining in my face.  My eyeballs feel nauseous.


die
Nothing like a little note of encouragement on your desk to brighten your day!

Sorry I’m late.  I just got a testicle shot.  Oops, I mean a tetanus shot.
oops


morbid
And they lived happily ever after! THE END!

I don’t feel so good.  I have a toothache in my knee.


yolo
“I’m not like a regular teacher. I’m a cool teacher.”

Words of Wisdom:

sarcasm
“The best thing I learned from Miss Whitlock was sarcasm.”

Why do people name their kids crazy things, like Dakota?  They’re just trying to prove how big the world is.  My son will have a nice normal name, like “Michael Jackson Jordan.”


minion


If it weren’t for dogs, money would be man’s best friend.


sit down
Every damn day.

(kid upon opening her new book during reading time)
If you need me, my brain is going to be off on a magical adventure!
reading


LOKI
Second most popular job? DOOR HOLDER.

Sometimes I wish I was a cat.  But then I don’t wish I was a cat because I want thumbs.
(Oh wait.  That wasn’t from a kid.  My BFF Katie Baker said that!)


SHH


(kid is trying to hook up a video game to the TV)
Me:  So, do you have your engineering degree yet?
Kid:  What are you talking about?  I don’t even got my cursive license yet!


trek
Literally me every few minutes.

It is much more delightful to see a woman’s behind than a man’s, because all men and boys have hair on their butts.

science


I keep getting lost in my mind.  I can’t help it.  I just keep thinking about things.  My soul is too creative for this math test.

thumbs up


(several kids were talking and playing in the hallway)
Me:  Boys, should I go ahead and write your names on the board, or should I give you a warning?
Kid:  Jesus would give us a second chance.
Me:  Can’t argue with that.


difficult


Misunderstandings:

bich
Rick was later charged with assault.

Kid 1, Crying:  He said I’m going to hell!
Kid 2, Angry:  I’m sorry, but she is.
Me:  Why in the world would you say such a thing?
Kid 2:  Because she doesn’t believe in Santa, and Santa is Jesus’s grandpa.


weed
This kid sure loved her Cosmic Brownies at snack time…

(during an intense round of “Heads Up Seven Up”)
DO YOU THINK THIS IS SOME KIND OF GAME?!?!?

leo


(note from a former parent of a second grader)
Dear Miss Whitlock,
Please change the all of the scores on the midterm progress report to “above grade level.”  Colleges and universities look at these documents, and my child is getting into an Ivy League.

sure


(during an observation with the assistant principal, after reading a story about presidents)
Me:  Who can tell me what a carnation is?
Kid:  UNDERPANTS!
Me:  No….
Kid:  But you said President McKinley kept one in his butthole every day!
Me:  Buttonhole, dear.  BUTTONHOLE.
face


raper
And then I’ll call 911.

Kid:  Are you married?
Me:  Nope.
Kid:  Well, I can see why.
Me:….
Kid:  Oh, no! No!  I meant because boys are gross, and why would you want one?


flowers
I got Valentine’s Day flowers from a boy! So what if he’s only seven? JUST LET ME HAVE THIS MOMENT.

Me:  Tell me something you learned today.
Kid:  Bats use their sharp pricks to hang upside down.
giggle


steve
That moment when a book character reminds you of someone…

steve again
… And you finally figure out who it is.


(waiting in line on picture day)
Kid: *grabs my boobs*
Me:  *removes hands*  DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
Kid:  Whoa…. *stares intently into my cleavage*
Me:  ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?  YOU CAN’T TOUCH LADIES THERE!!!
Kid:  But Miss Whitlock, I gotta know…. Are those things real?
Me:….
Kid:  Because if all the sparkly jewels sewed to your shirt are real, then you must be rich!
Me:  Ohhhhhhhh!  *breathes sigh of relief*

mean



Just Random
:

love
The look of love is in your eyes.

Do you ever wonder what it feels like to be a jar of peaches?
whut


tiger
FIELD TRIP! Two second after this was taken, one of my girls screamed, “EWW! He’s turning around to show me his butthole!”

(after running a mile in gym class)
I am never running again!  Well, unless it’s when I’m a grown man and I have to save my baby from an alligator or something.

gator


When I die, bury me naked in a vat of CiCi’s cheese pizza!
pizza


dance
Honestly? I like doodling just as much as the kids do!

(Someone brought donuts in for a kid’s birthday)
HEY EVERYBODY!  COME AND LOOK AT MY GLAZED HOLE!

steve


Kid 1:  Can jaguars eat plants?
Kid 2:  No dummy, Jaguars are meatatarians!


tattle
“If you tattle everyday, nobody’s going to want to play.”

Me:  Line Leader, take us to the window at the end of the hall.
Kid:  (singing) To the WINDOW, to the WALL!  ‘Til the SWEAT drops down my –
Me:  Do NOT finish that sentence.


cats
Portrait of My Cats! CUTE!

Why do they call it “Laughing Cow” Cheese?  I’ve been on a farm and seen those sucky things they use to get the milk out.  I don’t think they would make a cow laugh!


MOM
I don’t mind being called “Mom,” but I’m not too thrilled when they accidentally call me “Dad.”

You can’t make this stuff up.  Being a teacher is a lot of work, but moments of love and laughter like these make it all worthwhile.  Kids, y’all.  Gotta love ’em!

One thought on “Bury Me Naked in a Vat of CiCi’s Cheese Pizza

  1. And you run out of things to say when we’re on the phone! I must be calling on the wrong days haha! Love this stuff, and I love you! Oh, some time blog the little story about two girls opening a parent’s note at their bus stop haha!

    Like

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